My Inner Critic

I was going through some boxes today as my mom packs up our childhood home and found a letter from my parents from March 14, 2015. At the end of the letter they wrote “We realize now that being so strong-willed when you were little is what has made you the independent, young adult you are today. You are harder on yourself Nikki, than we could ever be”.

I was a freshman at Marquette in March of 2015 and honestly have no idea why they wrote me the letter, because the gist is them saying my stubborn, independent personality as a child was shaping me into the woman I was becoming. I’m sure I read it back then and thought it was sweet but brushed it off. Reading that letter now is something I didn’t know I needed.

I’ve written about how I was a stubborn child with a half broken relationship with my parents growing up, and how I felt as though I wasn’t enough. I’ve also mentioned how this isn’t anyone’s fault, and I’m not trying to put blame on myself, but at the end of the day I really think it comes down to me being my worst critic. My need to be perfect in my parent’s eyes was a skewed obsession because I wasn’t seeing myself through their eyes, I was seeing myself through my own. And being vulnerable around them, and honestly everyone else, was something my inner critic wouldn’t allow. I felt like growing up I was meant to only make my parents and coaches and teachers proud, and I never took a step back to see that I actually was making them proud. My inner critic just didn’t feel as though it was enough.

As I got older and went to college, that critic has only got louder. When I left my bubble of Marengo I was intimidated that there were a lot of other people to stand out against. I felt inferior because of how hard I am on myself. I didn’t see what made me stand out. I couldn’t recognize the value I brought into other people’s lives because I didn’t understand my value. I didn’t understand that the things that weren’t “perfect” in my life were what made me unique. I got so wrapped up in critiquing everything I did, I forgot who I wanted to become. I spiraled into an eating disorder looking for one piece of my life to control that I couldn’t critique myself on – it was something I could be proud of. The discipline, the passion, the drive – those were things I could critique myself on because I was pushing myself to work harder on it every day. I was pushing the limit every day. It didn’t give me time to critique anything else about my life because I had such tunnel vision for a goal that had no end.

The main reason recovery has been so hard is because I continue to critique myself for having to be in recovery in the first place. When I first started recovery I hated myself for being delusional and making myself so sick. I critiqued every decision I had made in my life to put me there. What I didn’t realize was that I was doing the same exact thing that started the spiral in the first place. I’ve been a control freak my entire life but I’ve never been able to control my inner critic. And that’s the reason I pushed myself so hard. I thought it would make that critic quiet down, but it only amplified that voice.

I’m working on amplifying my own voice and living the life that makes me happy. And to be completely honest, I know there are days I’m not eating enough or prioritizing my recovery, but I’m getting there. My inner critic now seems to be focusing more on what I want in my life and the actions I’m taking to prioritize my happiness. And part of that means learning to balance my recovery in a way that I feel doesn’t define me, but pushes me to get there. I was sick and I put myself in the boat I’m on, but that boat is now being steered by me and not my eating disorder or inner critic. I know that if I want to accomplish my goals and love myself, I need to be physically and mentally healthy to get there. And I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t gone through my eating disorder or gotten the help I needed. I’m using that life experience to drive myself to not be there again, to help those who may be going down that path, and to accept that my mistakes are what make me grow.

That same letter I mentioned above also said this: “There may be some bumps in the road along the way, but that’s okay. Those too will help you to become a stronger person.”

And it couldn’t be more true of where I am today. My inner critic is something I will learn to balance throughout my life, but I can’t continue to blame myself for mistakes or imperfection that shape me into the person I am. I can use that inner critic to my advantage by not letting it take my own voice, because my voice has made me love who I’ve started to become. I can turn my inner critic into inner guidance.