Honesty.

It’s a value that I hold very deeply. I expect others to always be honest and I don’t believe in excuses for when people aren’t. At the same time, it’s hard for me to trust that someone is being honest because I didn’t always feel like I received the honesty that I craved growing up. But the thing is, I can’t blame other people for what I’m feeling right now. Because I haven’t been honest with myself. I’ve been struggling for a few weeks with the urges to restrict and to over exercise. I’ve come a long way with social eating, but when I’m alone and there’s nobody to observe what I’m eating, I haven’t been holding myself accountable. I blamed it on work and stress – overworking myself to give myself an excuse to not eat. How can I have time to make breakfast or lunch when I have an ample amount of work that needs to be done? How can I step away from my laptop when I’m in back-to-back meetings for hours? I claim that I’m not hungry when I’m stressed or anxious. But I know it’s not true. I shove down the stress and anxiety and cope with restriction, because at least I can be in control of that. But I don’t think that’s the real reason that I’ve been struggling.

I’m scared of the unknown.

I’m scared of the weight that I’ve gained. I’m scared of weight that I may still gain if I fully let go of the eating disorder. I’m still learning to trust my body. I’m scared of not fitting in my clothes anymore. And at the same time I’m terrified of falling back into the eating disorder and losing everything that I’ve gained. I feel confused because I’m happier than I have ever been, and I know that’s because of all the work that I’ve put in the last year. I’m more in tune with who I am that I have ever been. I’m more open, more vulnerable, more trusting. I know that I’m more than just the size of my body and the clothes that I fit in. I know that I’m so much more than just a body. And so I don’t understand this urge to give in to the eating disorder. I want to be recovered, but I’m scared to let it go. I want to trust my body, but after not trusting it for so long, it feels unnatural. It’s something that I want to be able to do, and that I have been working hard to get to. I’m so proud of myself for how far I’ve come in the last year and the woman that I am, but I’m also disappointed in myself for wanting to restrict because I’m uncomfortable in my new body. And I’m even more disappointed that I keep blaming it on what my body looks like when it doesn’t feel like that’s the root of these feelings. I’m disappointed that I’m overcompensating in other aspects of my life because I’m uncomfortable with my urges to restrict.

But why?

The root cause of all of these feelings is probably the craving that I have to still constantly be in control. But where I’ve learned to let go of control in other aspects of my life, I’ve become so much happier. It’s like I know the solution to my problems but I don’t know how to accept it. I don’t understand it because I don’t know if I’m being honest with myself. I’m back on a meal plan and while I hate the fact that I am, I know it was what I needed. It helps me learn to trust my body again because I’m eating a meal plan meant to maintain weight or help my body find its natural weight without restriction, and in some ways it helps me feel more in control. But in other ways it makes me want to prove that I can go against the meal plan and still be recovered, even when I know that’s not possible. I know that the way I’m feeling right now is because I haven’t been fueling myself with the amount of energy that I need. I know that it’s causing my stress and anxiety because my body is compensating for less energy and taking away necessary functions like sleep and affecting my mood. I know that I need to snap out of this cycle I’ve gotten back into, and I know that I want to.

I know this blog has been primarily about the struggles and hurdles that I’ve overcome, but if I’m being honest with myself and everyone reading this, I’m still struggling. The only difference is that now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can feel what it’s like to feel free of the eating disorder. I know it’s what I want but I guess I thought it would be easier at this point, when in reality this feels like the hardest part.