Gaining Weight.

On Wednesday I was told that I’ve gained weight – something I’ve been terrified of for as long as I can remember. However, immediately after, followed a huge smile and was told that I looked healthy and beautiful. I hadn’t seen this woman in about a year, at which point I was around 100 pounds. And not only have I gained weight, but somewhere along the way, I gained confidence in my body and in myself. This was the first time that I’ve acknowledged I’ve gained weight in a positive, confident manner, knowing that my weight doesn’t define. The weight that I have put on however, has allowed me to define myself and let my personality shine through a healthy body. The way that I can carry myself now is entirely different than I would a year ago. A year ago, as much as I tricked myself into believing I loved my small, ‘toned’ body, I was timid, I was not confident, and I was numb. There wasn’t a sparkle in my eye when I laughed or rosy cheeks to compliment my smile, because I was a shell of anxiety, depression, and fear.

I was merely a walking skeleton.

It’s not something that I’m proud of, but it’s life. Shit happens and all you can do is learn from it and move on. And I never thought that I could be sitting here writing a blog about how proud I am to have gained my life back in a way that I’ve never lived before. Gaining weight for me hasn’t just been about the numbers on a scale. Gaining weight for me means being able to have food freedom and stop using restriction and exercise as a form of punishment and avoidance of my feelings. Gaining weight has allowed me to learn to acknowledge the root of my feelings and why I’ve used restriction as a coping mechanism for feelings and thoughts that I was too afraid to face. Gaining weight has shown me what life can be like when you accept failure and stop striving for perfectionism in every corner. Gaining weight has given me a new relationship with exercise and my body – to move my body in a way that feels good, that makes me feel strong, and to honor my body. I was trapped by the numbers on a scale and it’s been the hardest obstacle I’ve had to overcome in my life, but I’ve finally broken free of the ropes that were tying my self-worth to a scale. Weight does not equate to health. Self-acceptance, self-love, embracing your body, nourishing your body, and moving your body in a way that feels good equates to health. And that looks different for everyone.

I forgot how many calories were in an avocado.

To me, this is something that also equates to my health. I’ve been trapped by not only the numbers on a scale, but also the numbers on nutrition labels. And I’ve engrained the amount of calories in just about every food I eat into my head to the point where I could roughly estimate how many calories were in each bite of food I would take. The control that I had over calorie counting consumed my brain so that I was able to constantly feel in control of something. I could always know exactly how many calories I was taking in and how many calories I was burning off. But again, somewhere along the lines, my brain decided to make room for reflection and self-love and in doing so, has begun to erode the engrained calorie counts away. Forgetting how many calories are in an avocado is a huge milestone for me because I can finally see and feel the results of the work that I’ve put in to gain my life back. I’m hesitant to say ‘gain control of my life back’, because I’ve also learned that control isn’t everything. Sometimes things just happen the way they’re supposed to, and controlling the narrative does nothing but take away from the raw beauty of life. And the ironic thing is, I feel more in control now that I don’t know the calories in an avocado than I did when I had it memorized to a tee. Because if I can’t remember that calorie count, the rest of the engrained counts are also going to fade away with time. The only caveat to this, though, is the fact that nutrition labels still exist. I’ve gotten better about going into stores and not reading the nutrition labels on every item I pick to ensure its the lowest calorie option, but it’s still there. Knowing that I can just turn the package over and read it is something that I’m learning to fight the urge to do.

Serving size does not equal recommended portion size.

I have to remind myself of this when I start to spiral in the store of obsessing over nutrition labels, and it’s something that a lot of people actually don’t understand. Serving sizes do not exist to tell us how much we should be eating, it exists merely to give us a breakdown of the nutritional value and contents of each item. Recommended portion size looks different for everyone because everyone’s bodies and nutritional needs are different. A jar of peanut butter says 2 tablespoons for a serving size – try spreading that on your PB&J and you’ll realize that you need more than 2 tablespoons to be able to actually make a sandwich. On top of that, vigorously measuring the food that is going into your body only contributed to my unhealthy relationship with food because of the obsessive behavior over knowing exactly how much goes into my body. Yes, there can be health benefits or reasons that people need to measure their food specifically, but if you’re not one of those people that a doctor has doing this, what’s the point? Honoring my body includes no longer restricting what I want to eat based off of the recommended serving size – it’s putting into my body that amount that I am craving.

I choose to honor my body and embrace body positivity.

This is a daily choice. It’s not as if I am going to wake up one day and miraculously love every aspect of my body and what it looks like – it’s an unrealistic expectation that will only continue to prevent my full recovery. Waking up in the morning and promising that I will honor my body each day is what I need to do to engrain the idea in my head that the way my body looks doesn’t define who I am. Honoring my body does not consist of restricting or calorie counting or purging. Body positivity for me is accepting my body and loving it for everything that it does for me – it allows me to be alive and experience the ups and downs of life. And just like the ups and downs of life, I will have ups and downs of body positivity and I don’t expect to absolutely love what my body looks like every time I look in the mirror, but I do expect myself to love and respect my body. Gaining weight has been my personal journey of learning to honor my body and understand how resilient our bodies are, but to never take advantage of that again. Gaining weight has allowed me to gain so much more in life that outweighs the importance of what the mass of my body is, and that’s why I love the weight I’ve gained.

I am adding in this last paragraph for anyone who is currently struggling or knows someone who is struggling with an unhealthy relationship with food or exercise. I am always here to listen and provide insight into my personal journey to recovery. Please also check out the resources link above for Project HEAL and NEDA’s contact information. You’re never alone and I promise that recovery is worth facing the fear of admitting you need help.