Confidence.

I feel like I’ve been working my whole life to be in a place where I’m truly confident in myself, my emotions, my body, my career path, and just my actions in general. It’s like I keep thinking that one day a flip is going to switch and I will magically become this powerful, confident woman that I strive to be. But to my own fault, thinking that I would just feel confident without putting in real work has made me put up walls and put on this confident facade that ultimately leaves me feeling empty, and like an imposter. It’s left me not knowing who I really am because I refused to let myself explore that – it was too much for me to feel, so numbing it out and pushing it down allowed me to escape the discomfort.

I’m extremely driven.

I know that this is normally an admirable quality to have – you want someone on your team that has drive and passion. But what happens when that drive gets sidetracked into something else? For example, this was exercise and food control for me. I had become so confident in my workout routines, my diet, my discipline, that I felt that power and confidence that I had always wanted. People would tell me I look great, they would comment on my new and improved healthy diet, and I capitalized on that feeling. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing, restricting, restricting, and restricting, so I could constantly be on a power trip. Except the end result was not what I imagined. It’s like I looked in the mirror one day and saw what I did to myself, I realized this fake act I had been putting on for everyone for years to hide my insecurities just left me feeling empty inside, and emotionally immature. The whole fake it till you make it thing doesn’t work me for. It didn’t work, instead it broke the fake confidence that I had and left me feeling more lost than I was when I began capitalizing on adrenaline. I’ve had to mourn the loss of myself in a way that I’m not sure how to explain. I had believed so strongly, I had convinced myself, that I was finally the confident, strong woman I always aimed to be, but it was a lie. It’s confusing not being able to trust your thoughts or what you see in the mirror. Where is my source of truth if I can’t trust myself to be true to who I am and do what is best for myself and my mental and physical health? How do I catch up on the years my emotional maturity was stunted? I can’t rely on the coping mechanisms that used to once numb me from worrying about these things. I get to sit here with my thoughts and emotions and truly understand where they come from, and how to manage them.

‘Just be’.

I’m terrible at this. I have been told multiple times by my therapists that I need to learn how to just be. But just being means sitting with my thoughts. Being comfortable with the silence around me and the thoughts stirring in my head. And that’s something that scares me. That discomfort of trying to dig deep and understand why I believe certain things, or why I use certain coping skills, or why I can’t trust the image of myself in the mirror or in photos. But I’ve learned that all discomfort is temporary. As uncomfortable as it may be in the moment, it does go away. And each time I’ve sat with discomfort, it slowly begins to become easier, more comfortable. I’m still struggling a lot with confidence. I can feel so confident in a moment and then look back at a picture or go look in the mirror and it becomes shattered. I scrutinize every aspect of myself when I analyze past situations. Why did you say that? Why did you act like that? Why did you wear the outfit that makes your arms look fat? It’s like a constant spiral that leads me to comparing my new body to the old, anorexic body that gave me fake confidence. It would be so easy to just leap off the building block I’m on and go back to those old behaviors, and at times it’s really really hard to resist. I do slip up sometimes, I have bad days, and a quick fix would be to put my trust back in Ed. But I know that this isn’t a long-term solution. It’s a short-term distraction that has infinitely more consequences than sitting here with my temporary discomfort. I know it won’t fix the things that I struggle with because it doesn’t allow me to face them. I’ve come so far in facing my fears in recovery, that I can’t let myself throw that away. It would be discrediting to who I’ve become and the newfound strength and voice that I have gained.

Strength will get me where I need to be.

I didn’t use to think that I was strong. I felt young and babied because of my childhood and how I dealt with issues growing up. I was insecure in my strength, and insecure in myself. How could I expect to be confident without first understanding how strong of a woman I am? But I’ve finally uncovered that piece of myself and realized the strength that it’s taken to get me where I am today. Yes, I was weak when I gave into the eating disorder, and I was weak when I refused to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings that caused me discomfort. But that’s not who I want to be anymore. I want to use this newfound strength to uncover the other parts of me that have been dormant for too long. I will gain my confidence back. I will feel control over my decisions and be comfortable in who I am. It’s been a hard road to uncover my strength, and it’s likely going to be a harder road to gain my confidence back, but I’m hopeful that I will get there. Because all discomfort is temporary, and the only way to become comfortable again is to face what it is you fear. To be okay with being uncomfortable.