At exactly this time last year, give or take a few weeks, I was at my lowest weight. I was 96 pounds. I would look in the mirror and what I saw was all muscle, no fat, and I was so proud of that. In my head, I was getting to peak physical condition, eating…
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My Journey of Self-Love
I remember being in college knowing I didn't love myself. I remember wondering if I ever had. I remember wondering when I would wake up and finally feel like I was enough for myself. My version of self-love was based on how I was loved and viewed by others. Not taking the time to reflect…
The Beauty in Pain
I started this blog as a way to channel my healing process throughout recovery. It was a way for me to put pen to paper, to understand my thoughts and feelings, while being more vulnerable with the world than I had ever been with myself. I hoped my words would help others understand the reality…
My Inner Critic
I was going through some boxes today as my mom packs up our childhood home and found a letter from my parents from March 14, 2015. At the end of the letter they wrote “We realize now that being so strong-willed when you were little is what has made you the independent, young adult you…
Forgiveness
Lately I've felt like I'm in a rut with recovery. Not in the sense that I've fully engaged with the eating disorder again, but more so that I just haven't been putting in the effort to fully recover. It's like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I've gotten a…
Navigating the Gray
With today being the first day of Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I've thought a lot about where I was a year ago today versus where I am now, and what it's taken to get here. It's taken patience, strength, tears, support, reflection, understanding, and most of all, the desire to live life free of an…
A New Chapter
It's too cliché for me to say 'new year, new city, new me!' and pretend that moving across the country and changing aspects of my life has magically transformed me into a new person - because it hasn't. But the last chapter of my life was dominated by an eating disorder, an unhealthy relationship with…
Fear.
A lot of the decisions in my past were made out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being judged, fear of not being good enough, fear of failure. I don't know where it stems from - why I chose fear over excitement of the unknown is something I wish I could have realized…
Worth.
:Â the value of something measured by its qualities or by the esteem in which it is held //Â deserving of That's the definition of worth. Something I've always struggled to measure myself by. Why I feel the need to measure myself against it and what I believe it to be says something in and of itself.…
Change.
I stepped on a scale yesterday. I haven't posted in a while. It's not because I haven't wanted to or that I haven't been taking the time to reflect, I guess I just haven't been sure how to write what I've been thinking. It's hard to explain the constant pressure that I feel from everyone…
Perfectionism – The Lowest Standard You Can Set for Yourself
Perfectionism is the lowest standard that you can set for yourself. I heard this for the first time a few weeks ago and have been sitting on it since. I didn't understand it at first. Being a perfectionist my whole life, I've always believed that it's the highest standard I can hold myself to -…
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Comparison.
I want to start with this. I wrote a post a few days ago after restricting and not honoring my body, in a not-so-great headspace. My emotions made me physically feel heavier and I wanted to resort to my old ED habits. And after only a few days of being back on a meal plan,…
Honesty.
It's a value that I hold very deeply. I expect others to always be honest and I don't believe in excuses for when people aren't. At the same time, it's hard for me to trust that someone is being honest because I didn't always feel like I received the honesty that I craved growing up.…
The Irony of Control.
I was so afraid of not being in control of my life that I stopped living. The more I focused on controlling my life, the more out of control I felt. The more I tried to control what others think of me, the more out of control I felt. The more I tried to control…
Gaining Weight.
On Wednesday I was told that I've gained weight - something I've been terrified of for as long as I can remember. However, immediately after, followed a huge smile and was told that I looked healthy and beautiful. I hadn't seen this woman in about a year, at which point I was around 100 pounds.…
What Diet Culture Has Taught Me.
Over the past year I've had to essentially rewire my brain. I've had to take everything that I've learned from the media, from my peers, my parents - basically all of diet culture - and understand what the reality of health and 'healthy eating' actually is. Imagine having to basically erase all that you've learned…
Blooming into Myself 