Comparison.

I want to start with this. I wrote a post a few days ago after restricting and not honoring my body, in a not-so-great headspace. My emotions made me physically feel heavier and I wanted to resort to my old ED habits. And after only a few days of being back on a meal plan, limiting my exercise, and reframing my thoughts, I feel completely different.

But this is the dangerous game I play. The constant game of comparison. To my friends, to people on social media, to models, and the one that I get stuck on the most is the comparison to myself. Myself 6 years ago, 3 years ago, last year, last month, last week. I try and justify it and tell myself that it will help me feel more confident because I don’t look the same and was unhappy with how I looked and felt in the past, but when I sit down and dig deeper, it’s just an excuse for me to revert to my eating disorder. It’s a cheap excuse for why I’m unhappy in the moment. It’s a way for me to avoid my feelings and the root cause of them. I’m at the point now where I hate looking at old pictures of myself for this reason exactly, because it’s dangerous for me to do so on days like I had earlier this week. But today, right now, I’m looking at these pictures and I no longer feel the desire or need to compare myself to them. I’m not the same person I was in any of these photos. Again, I am more than my body. But for the purpose of me explaining my eating disorder thoughts, take a look for yourself.

(Top Left – Spring 2016; Top Right – Spring 2018; Bottom Left – May 2020; Bottom Right – July 2021)

Look at how happy I look in each of these pictures. And when I posted each of them, I felt so confident. I was proud of my body, I was proud of who I was. And it would stay that way until I would take another picture. I would look back at an old picture and think that I looked happier and skinnier then. Or vice versa, I would look back on an old picture and realize how much ‘better’ I looked and how I should keep working harder to continue getting smaller, because I was always happier when I was smaller (or so I thought). You can see in the top right image that I lost weight from the previous year. I couldn’t remember how happy I was with my pitcher of Sangria in Spain (that I drank by myself), all I could focus on months later was how round I thought I was. 2017 was the year I really started focusing on fitness. You can see in the top right image, again, how happy I am. Bottom left, this was me at 96 pounds. That version of me had looked at both the top photos and was embarrassed. I took the first one off of social media. I archived the second one for a while and I’m not sure if its back up or not, to be honest. And when I took that bottom left picture, I couldn’t even post without editing out my veins. And it’s when I first started to realize that I had been working so hard to become smaller and smaller, but when I got to be the smallest I’d ever been, I STILL was uncomfortable with how I looked. I still wasn’t happy. After all of that effort to make myself happy, it was defeating to still not feel what I had been craving. And once I started recovery, I was finally able to recognize that this wasn’t just about how my body looked. It was how I felt when I took those pictures. I wanted that confidence back. But I had no idea what I was even confident in anymore.

And I’m not going to include the numerous selfies that I started taking of my face about 1.5 -2 years ago. Where I would get memories on snapchat, or see old photos on my camera role, and wonder if my face was still ‘fat’ or if my cheekbones were more defined or less defined. I would do this in the morning, during the day, and at night. Wondering what I could do to get my cheekbones to stick out more naturally and get rid of the round face I was convinced I had. The image that I had stuck in my head was me after I returned from abroad. I would look back at pictures from the year and my face was noticeably more round. Without actually digging into the reasons that I had a more rounded face at the time, I immediately convinced myself it was because I was ‘fat’. I didn’t consider that my body was still developing and changing, that I was constantly consuming alcohol and not eating a balanced diet (I literally only would eat pasta, cheese, pizza, no veggies, minimal fruits, etc.). I wasn’t mature enough to understand that my body is going to continue to change as I get older, and that it’s perfectly normal.

So now we can look at the bottom right picture. Me, 4th of July 2021. Was I terrified of wearing a swimsuit? Yes. This was my second or third time wearing a swimsuit in public since I had began to restore weight. I bought a high waisted bikini to help me feel more comfortable, kind of like training wheels when you’re learning to ride a bike. And for the most part throughout the day, I wasn’t even thinking about what I looked like. Because I was having fun, I was celebrating my best friend’s birthday and celebrating the 4th, and drinking champagne and snacking all day. And guess what? I even ate pizza that night. The next day was hard. But the important thing was, I didn’t regret the day before. I felt minor guilt for a while, but that was outlived by the gratitude I had for being able to celebrate freely that day. I was so proud of myself, and I still am. Because each one of these experiences that I feel uncomfortable in, is an experience that allows me to grow and to overcome my eating disorder.

I’m done comparing.

Realistically, it might be impossible for me to never compare myself to others or to a past version of me. BUT, now I have the ability to recognize that my body isn’t what was making me happy in the past, it was my mental state. I have no idea how much I weighed on the 4th, or how much I weigh right now, but I do know that it’s more than what I weighed at this time last year. Rather than focusing on the weight I’ve gained or the differences in how I look now to that version of me, or any version of me, I’m focusing on everything else I’ve gained.

I’ve gained the ability to be vulnerable, to be open and honest with myself and others, I’ve gained strength, I’ve gained confidence, I’ve gained my emotions back and the ability to really feel and share them, I’ve gained my voice back, I’ve gained numerous coping skills, I’ve gained friends, I’ve gained deeper relationships with everyone in my life, I’ve gained the ability to share my story, I’ve gained the desire to truly make an impact and help others.

I’ve gained a new, beautiful version of me.