Over the past year I’ve had to essentially rewire my brain. I’ve had to take everything that I’ve learned from the media, from my peers, my parents – basically all of diet culture – and understand what the reality of health and ‘healthy eating’ actually is. Imagine having to basically erase all that you’ve learned about something and understand that you’ve been wrong for longer than you can remember about what reality is. It’s hard, and it really really sucks. But in the end, it’s worth it. To be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and differentiate the diet culture bullshit from what health actually means makes it all worth it.
Here’s what I’ve been taught.
You should eat a protein bar with chocolate on it, because then it can be a ‘guilt-free’ snack, meaning that any actual type of dessert is a guilt-snack. But if you’re going to have chocolate, it should be dark chocolate, because according to diet culture, dark chocolate is better for you than regular chocolate, so obviously avoid regular chocolate (even if you like the taste better). Why eat a regular tortilla wrap when they make high-fiber, low-calorie wraps instead? Why waste calories on a tortilla if you don’t have to? While you’re at it, make sure you eat as much fiber and protein as possible to speed up your metabolism. Protein shakes are great meal replacements. Avoid oils and butters and too much avocado or hummus, because those have fats in it. Fats will make you fat. You should also probably switch to cauliflower pizza, because god forbid you ingest all the carbs in regular pizza. Eat the veggies instead. While you’re at it, get rid of all the pasta because you can use zucchini noodles instead, or cauliflower gnocchi. Carbs, fats, sweets, and dairy are all treats, they’re a waste of calories that you can easily substitute with something low-carb, low-fat, low-sugar. Because obviously everything low-carb, low-fat, low-sugar is better for you. But if you do eat these regular versions of the forbidden foods, make sure you work out to burn off those calories. Calories in, calories out. Always track your macros – MyFitnessPal will be your best friend. Being on a diet is admirable. It’ll make others envy you and your strict diet and focus on health. Your weight defines your health, and unless you look like the man or woman on your screen, you’re not there yet. You shouldn’t have cellulite, and if you do, you should use a lotion that will get rid of it, because cellulite means you’re not working out enough or dieting enough. Same with stretch marks.
If you restrict enough and burn more calories than you take in, you’ll easily drop the weight and feel so much better. You might be hungry, but if you fight that hunger long enough you’ll see the results you want. Because it’s okay to restrict if it’s to get down to your weight-loss goal. The less you eat the more weight you’ll lose. Take those metabolism-boosting pills while you’re at it, too. Make sure you keep track of your BMI, heaven-forbid its too high because you have too much body fat according to that number. Anytime you see someone losing weight, obviously complement them on their appearance, because they clearly have the diet and workout game down. They are obviously being healthy. You’ll feel better when you lose the weight that makes you self-conscious. The only way to combat this self-consciousness is to lose the weight that’s making you feel this way. You want the thigh gap you see on that girl on tv? Do these exercises and eat these foods and you’ll have it no time. Because body shape, weight, and size equate to health and wellbeing.
If you can’t tell from the above paragraphs, I could go on for pages about the shit that’s been drilled into my head over the period of my life. And that’s exactly what it all is, shit.
Body shape, weight, and size, do NOT equate health and wellbeing.
Let’s rewind to that first paragraph and talk about what you actually should do. You should honor your body and the cravings that it has. Any form of restriction of the food you crave will inevitably lead you to want it even more. Any type of food is a guilt-FREE food. Eat what your body craves, if you want ice cream, eat ice cream. If you want cake, eat that cake, and enjoy it. One type of food is not inherently good or bad for you. Yes, fiber and protein are good for you, but they aren’t good for you if it’s all your consuming. If you’re so concerned about eating healthy, then you need to understand that a ‘healthy’ diet is a diet that is balanced, with foods in multiple food groups, and this includes foods like desserts, chips, and basically everything that diet culture criminalizes as a ‘cheat meal’.
Speaking of criminalizing food groups, what did fats ever do to you? Fats can’t make you fat by themselves. Also, a fat is actually a lipid, and you can’t use that logic to call yourself a lipid. Your body needs fats to function. If you think about what it takes to make certain foods low-fat, low-carb, low-cal and you think that those options are healthier for you than the real version, you’re likely tuned into diet culture. Sure, it has less calories or less grams of whatever you’re trying to avoid, but have you ever looked at the difference in ingredients with these types of food versus the original? Odds are you won’t be able to pronounce half the things in these low-whatever food you have. And let’s be honest, if you’ve ever tried microwaving nachos with reduced-fat cheese, you know that shit does not melt the same.
Further, why is pizza being shamed? Why are cauliflower pizzas the new thing? Obviously for those who have dietary restrictions, yes, these veggie versions of pizza and pasta are a great option. But for those of us without dietary restrictions, you can’t sit there and tell me you would rather eat cauliflower crust pizza or zoodles for dinner, than either of these authentic options at an Italian restaurant. Again, I obviously am not in your shoes and we don’t have to agree on opinions and if you genuinely enjoy these options because you like the taste better, then more power to you. I’m focusing on the way that I felt, tricking myself into thinking I preferred these options, when in reality I craved the real versions but felt too guilty to eat them. Carbs, fats, sweets, and dairy are not just treats, and just eating these foods will not make you ‘fat’. I’ll use the example of the pumpkin pie diet that my dietician shared with me. If I were to give you 1 slice of pumpkin pie at breakfast, 1 slice at lunch, and 1 slice at dinner, would you gain weight? The simple answer? No. You will not be taking in more calories than you are burning. Yeah, you may have a stomach ache each night because it’s only a few concentrated food groups that your body needs, but you won’t gain weight just due to the pumpkin pie. Just as someone who eats a full breakfast, lunch, and dinner of ‘healthy’ foods only won’t lose weight just due to that diet. Because at the end of the day, those meals are all probably more calories than 3 slices of pumpkin pie. One type of food will not make you ‘skinny’ or ‘fat’. So why criminalize one food group and praise another?
If you restrict enough and burn more calories than you take in, you may drop in weight. But everyone’s body is different. And it’s not necessarily the weight to be the first thing to go when you start heavily restricting and depriving your body of the fuel it needs. It may be other vital functions that your body needs to fuel throughout the day that it no longer can due to restriction. Your sleep may get worse, your skin will likely look tired, your hair may fall out, you will probably be more on edge and anxious, and you’ll look back and wonder why you ever did that to yourself. Apps like MyFitnessPal do more harm than good, in my opinion. If there’s not a specific health reason for you to be tracking your food intake and calories on a daily basis, why do it? Why subject yourself to the daily judgement you feel from an app telling you that you’re over the amount of calories you should be in a day. Why subject yourself to the guilt you’ll make yourself feel for adding in those ‘cheat foods’? Why not just enjoy what you eat in a day, and feel comfortable enough to trust your body that will find its natural weight with a balance of all foods groups?
And honestly, so what if you do gain a little weight? Why is that such a terrifying thing for us? Well, I’m blaming diet culture. Why are we encouraged to weigh ourselves so frequently and to track what the scale says? Don’t people realize that our weight will fluctuate daily due to many different factors, including water intake? I didn’t want to accept that before, so each time I woke up a pound or even half a pound heavier, it was extra restriction or extra workout. Because diet culture told me that the skinnier I was, the more attractive I would be, and that I am only as good as what my body looks like. Which is complete and utter nonsense. We are all so much more than our bodies and the way that society chooses to perceive them. I’ve gained over 20 pounds since last May. Does that make me less desirable to society? Does that make me less worthy of love or praise? Does that make me a failure? Of course not. The way I felt when I was 96 pounds is something I never want to feel again. Feeling unworthy, unwanted, anxious all the time, defined by my body but never having a body that was good enough. Why would I ever want to go back to that?
I don’t. Because I know now that the solution to my problems is not weight loss or running hours on end to push the thoughts to the back of my head. I know now that my body needs a variety of foods, and no food is inherently good or bad. I know now that calories are merely units of energy, and your body needs energy to function. Dieting and working out won’t solve the underlying issues of your anxiety or depression or body issues. It will numb them out and not allow you to face them, it’s merely putting off the day that you have to face them. Learning to honor my body and listen to what it wants and needs has been a life-changing experience. Dealing with the roots of my anxiety and depression is allowing me to actually overcome them. Learning to accept myself and the flaws that I have, and embracing those flaws has allowed me to better understand who I am and want to become. It’s allowed me to escape from the box that I had trapped myself in and truly understand that I’m more than just what my body looks like to you.
Blooming into Myself 