Yesterday was one of those days. Thoughts were spinning in my head, I looked in the mirror and immediately felt lost. Sometimes this happens because of anxiety, sometimes it happens when I don’t address my negative Ed thoughts when they happen, and sometimes I don’t really know why it happens until my therapist points out that it was actually likely it was on those two things and I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. This time, it was because of I had been pushing down the voice in my head that was telling me I wasn’t disciplined enough, that I had too many liquid calories, that I should have worked out longer and harder. The mirror was telling me my thighs were too thick, my stomach was bigger than it was a year ago, that my muscles are no long defined, and I wasn’t able to separate those thoughts from reality.
Yes, I’m bigger. Yes, I take up more space. Yes, it makes me uncomfortable.
I have to repeat those sentences to myself often to remind myself that these thoughts and realizations are okay. And they’re actually not just okay, they’re huge milestones for me that I am working on reframing into positive reminders, rather than negative. Because yes, I’m bigger than I was when I was 96 pounds and suffering from severe Anorexia-Nervosa. Yes, I take up more space with my body, but also my personality, because I actually have one again now that I’m properly nourishing and listening to my body. Yes, I am uncomfortable a lot of the time, but all discomfort is temporary, and learning to feel comfortable with the discomfort is where I learn to grow. But on days like yesterday, these thoughts get blurred. It’s hard to remind myself what I can now recognize when I put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard I guess). I get so caught up in these negative thoughts and images in my head, that I lose the desire to fight the thoughts, and I succumb to them. And I know that sounds like a cop-out, because it most definitely is. The hard thing to do is continue to fight the urges and voice in my head telling me to restrict and increase my workouts and it will solve all of my problems. The easy thing to do is listen to that voice and feel the immediate adrenaline rush of strength from skipping a meal and working out and eventually forgetting that I’m hungry. And writing it out it’s so easy to separate which one I should do, and which one I should fight, but in the moment it’s not that simple.
Change is good, but change can also be unsettling.
I like to think that I like change, but then I realize that I only like change that is enjoyable and easy. It’s always been hard for me to adjust to big changes, like my parent’s divorce, life after college, beginning a new job, etc. And what I’ve been going through the last year has been a constant struggle with change. The constant reframing of thoughts, retraining my brain to filter out Ed’s thoughts from my own, making myself eat when I’m not hungry but know that I need to, resisting the urge to push my exercise over the limit, learning to eat socially, not count calories (especially liquid calories), learning to hold myself accountable for meals when I’m alone, learning to confront my feelings and not push them down, being comfortable with confrontation and conflict, and figuring out who I am without an eating disorder. And that’s why it’s not that simple when I’m in the moment of a disordered thought – all of these changes flash in front of me and Ed makes me want to crawl back into the protected hole that my eating disorder let me hide in. The hole where I thought I was at peak physical and mental condition, when in reality I had just deteriorated everything in my life, including myself. But the simple fix to feeling uncomfortable was always restriction and exercise, and I’m still learning new coping skills as I continue my recovery journey.
As much as I’d love to say I’m recovered, I’m not there yet.
Days like yesterday allow me to see that as much as I would like to be fully recovered and have a life without my eating disorder, I still have work to do. I still count calories on most foods, even though it doesn’t have as much as an impact on me, I still choose lower calories breads, low sugar desserts, the 30 calorie almond milk, and I still skip meals sometimes, I still workout harder than I know I should at times. I still struggle with body dysmorphia that constantly upsets me because I can’t trust what I see in the mirror, and I’m not supposed to weigh myself, so it’s hard to feel comfortable in my body when I’m still unsure what it really looks like. But the thing is, I can recognize now when I do these things, and I’m able to work towards branching out into a new perspective that I can eat whatever bread I like (which is definitely sourdough), I can go out for ice cream and not feel guilt for however many calories or grams of sugar are in my cup, that when I skip meals, I am only hurting myself and my recovery, and that if I am going to workout harder than I should, I at least need to fuel myself properly afterwards. And as for the body dysmorphia, that will take time, and I’ve began taking the steps to listen to how my body is feeling, rather than how it looks. I’ve always been an active person, so I do feel better mentally and physically after I’m active, and focusing on how my body feels during these movement, rather than the calories burned has been a big step. I’ve had to size up in shorts and get rid of old clothes that I bought a year ago, and was able to separate the thoughts that were telling me if a double zero exists, I should be able to fit into it. My body isn’t what defines me, my personality, my actions, my relationships, my successes, my failures – these are what define me. And I’m able to recognize that and focus on these aspects of my life more than I ever have because of recovery (and lots of therapy).
So yeah, yesterday I thought my thighs were too thick, my waist wasn’t slim enough, my arms were jiggly, and I skipped lunch and then worked out. But during that workout I realized that I was only hurting myself by doing this, it didn’t make me strong. I’ve been focusing on building muscle at the gym, rather than running for an hour and a half every day, and in order for those muscles to grow, I obviously need to nourish my body. And it took me a few hours and a workout to realize that I had given in to the eating disorder earlier in the day, but once I did I went grocery shopping and stocked up on what I was craving this week. I do still struggle with keeping certain foods in my pantry and I’m working on being more comfortable with that and trusting that I won’t binge an entire box of cookies or bag of chips, but I’m slowly getting there. The biggest hurdle for me at the moment is just comparison. Comparison to my past body, and comparison to others’ bodies.
I’m obviously going to weigh more than I did a year ago, 6 months ago, and even 3 months ago. But I’m comparing my current, nourished body to a body that was barely functioning. A body that showed my bones and veins that couldn’t maintain normal functions such as hair and nail growth. Instead, my hair was falling out. But when I look in the mirror, the first thing I look at is my body, and I see images in my head of the abs I used to have (that were not actually abs, but basically 0% body fat and all bone and organs), and it takes effort to remind myself that comparison will never make me feel better, and it will never allow me to fully accept my ever changing body. The voice in my head that tells me I’m not disciplined enough, that I’m letting myself go, that I’m eating too much is not my own. I have a voice again and I’m sure as hell working on using it not only in recovery, but in every aspect of my life. Yesterday was a tough day, but not every day is going to be easy, and today is a new day. Today, I’ve already snacked and eaten breakfast, gotten a workout in, and am probably going to go get a latte, because, wow, I have really missed lattes. Maybe I’ll even go crazy and get ice cream tonight (sarcasm intended – ice cream is not something ‘crazy’). The point is, one day doesn’t define my success or the progress that I’ve made – it’s what I do the next day, and the day after that, to continue to take those steps towards complete recovery.
Blooming into Myself 