Why Do I Write?

Since starting this blog, I’ve had a number of people compliment me on my writing skills, my honesty, my vulnerability, and bravery. And the question that follows most of the time is how. How did I get into writing? How is it so easy for me to be vulnerable on this platform? It’s something that I’ve been thinking about but wasn’t exactly sure how to put it into words. And I realized that was the ironic thing. I use this platform to write out all of my thoughts and realizations that I was never able to articulate and confront. The things I didn’t use to know how to put into words on paper, started pouring out of me when I began to accept myself and every emotion that comes with that. Because for me, there is no point in hiding my emotions, or the woman that I’ve become, or the struggles that have gotten me here. This platform allows me to not only put my thoughts into words, it allows me to be creative, it allows me to acknowledge when life is hard, when life is great, but most importantly, this platform isn’t just for me, it’s for everyone reading.

Who are you, really?

Last March when I was in the depth of my eating disorder, when I really started to spiral down, I felt so alone. At that point I had tried to isolate myself as much as possible without letting others know why. I was proud of feeling so strong and in shape, but was ashamed of myself for cutting myself off from the world. And it only caused me to rely on the restriction and exercise more. And as ashamed as I was for feeling alone, I felt that I would be more ashamed if I cut back on the exercise or let myself eat what I craved. It’s really hard to articulate the exact thoughts because it was a constant battle in my mind. It was confusion on knowing what I wanted and what the eating disorder wanted, when I didn’t even realize it was the eating disorder causing the internal battle. I shoved everything down so deep, where I have shoved most of my feelings my entire life, and was grateful that I wasn’t able to really feel any of them because of how scared of the pain I was. And the reason that I decided to make my writing public, rather than just using my journal, was in the hopes that anyone else who feels alone will know that they’re not. I’m tired of people pretending that they’re ‘good’ because it’s the generic response to how you’re doing. I’m tired of people not being honest because they’re scared of the consequences, the conflict, or they’re scared of being hurt or let down. I’m tired of the filter that so many people have that takes away their genuinity. Because why wouldn’t you want to show the world you really are? Why do so many of us feel ashamed for feeling sad, hurt, or angry? Why do we hide?

What’s the point in hiding?

I know it’s so much easier said than done. It’s something that I am still working on face-to-face. Because writing allows me to really understand my emotions and put them on paper, but I still struggle with addressing my feelings and thoughts in person, in the moment. And I ask myself every time I push something down – why? Why do I not acknowledge that that’s how I really feel? That something upsets me, or hurts me, or frustrates me, and I just pretend like it’s fine. I ask myself what the point in hiding is, and I never have a good answer, which means that there really is no point in hiding. Because what I’m feeling is probably very similar to what someone else is feeling. I know that I’m not the only person who has struggled with an eating disorder, but I chose to isolate myself and tell myself that I was special because of it. And it’s so fucked up. An eating disorder isn’t special, it doesn’t make you better, it doesn’t make you happier. It isolates you, it numbs you, it shrinks you, it brainwashes you. It kills you. And I often wonder where I would be if I would have had the strength to be honest about what I was struggling with, instead of going full steam ahead into an eating disorder. So yeah, I selfishly use this platform as an outlet for my thoughts, to hold myself accountable to my feelings, and to be able to look back on these posts and see the progress that I’m continuing to make. But the main reason that I wanted to make my journal entries public is the hope that someone else who is feeling alone, knows that they’re not. We all have our own shit to deal with, and some people are better at hiding it than others, and it’s not my place to criticize why people choose to hide their struggles, but I’ve decided that I don’t want to anymore.

I want to show my struggles, but also show my victories.

I want to be honest about everything that I’ve gone through because to me, it feels unauthentic to preach about how much better I’m doing now, how much happier and fuller my life is now, if I can’t go back and acknowledge how fucking hard the last year was. And when I think about the struggles that I’ve faced with Anorexia, my mind wanders to the thousands of other people who also struggle. And to the people who struggle that don’t have the resources to get help, or the support system to confront them that they do need help, or their people to stand by their side while they do get the help they need. I can only hope that for those people who aren’t ready to take the step of recovery yet, that my words are something they can relate to so they don’t feel so alone. That they can see what the eating disorder can, and will, do to you if you let it continue controlling your life. If you don’t confront it head on and face it, it won’t go away. I was bulimic my Sophomore year of college. I would get blackout drunk and use it as an excuse to make myself purge. I hated doing it so much that getting drunk made me feel better about it, because half the time I wouldn’t even remember the next morning until I smelled it on myself. And yeah, this started happening around the time I found out my parents were getting divorced, but it wasn’t the root cause. I felt lost and uncomfortable and didn’t know who I was, and the binging and purging was an escape.

I don’t talk about that time of my life because I honestly don’t remember a lot of it. I’m embarrassed and ashamed of the person that I was in that timeframe, and instead of having the balls to face my problems, I decided to escape to Europe for six months to distract me. And it was working really well. I had a few episodes of binging and purging while I was there, but it was the best I had felt in years. I felt free and independent, I was exposed to so many different cultures, so much beautiful scenery, and met an amazing group of friends. But then when my six month adventure was over, I came back to reality. And drinking was my escape again. I don’t think I ever really left the eating disorder. It just manifested in different ways until it eventually manifested into Anorexia this final time. And it’s no ones fault but my own, and I would never want anyone to think otherwise, because I was too scared to acknowledge my emotions. My family felt as though it had been broken, I had no idea what I wanted to do after college, I was experiencing anxiety for the first time in my life, and I didn’t have the strength or courage to face it. But that’s why I want to face everything now. It’s why I’m telling whoever is reading this some of the darkest times of my life. Because as dark as those times may have gotten, I survived them. And anyone else who’s in the midst of dark times themselves, it’s possible to get past it. But in order to get past something, you have to go through it, not around it. A feeling won’t go away because you decide to ignore it.

I feel more in-tune with my emotions and myself more than ever before. And I’m not saying that to brag in any sense, I’m saying it because I am happier than I have ever been, and I’m so goddamn proud of myself. By telling the world my struggles, it allowed me to no longer feel shame about the negative emotions or experiences in my life. By being honest, I feel like I can really let people in and let them see who I am. By being vulnerable, my relationships are growing and deepening. By telling the world my thoughts, I feel like I no longer have to hide. Yes, I struggled with an eating disorder. Yes, I am not proud of my actions in the past on how I’ve handled my emotions and situations that make me uncomfortable. Yes, I have grown up avoiding conflict whenever possible. But my past doesn’t define my future. And I want my future to have an impact. I want to be a voice for those who may not have one yet. For those who were in the same shoes that I was in when I felt so alone. I am here, and so many people are here, to support one another when things get tough, and to celebrate when things are great. For anyone reading, I want to show that you’re not alone in any sense. Our struggles may not look the same, and you may feel like the world is crumbling around you, but I promise it does get better. I promise when you let people in, it gets better. I’m living proof of that.